It is always difficult to talk about death. We feel even more uncomfortable and nervous talking with children about death since we want to protect their innocence and shield them from sadness. Despite feeling apprehensive when talking to children about this subject, we need to support children through difficult times in order to facilitate healing and growth.
- Let your children be your guide. If you don’t know what they know or understand about the death, ask open ended questions to see what they know and what questions they may have. Let your child’s questions and responses guide you as to how much information to provide. Give children ample opportunity over time to ask questions.
- Let your children know you are there for them and ready to listen
- Never try to “fix it” or justify the death.
- Be honest with your children. Give them clear and honest answers to their questions. Children want, need and deserve the truth and need to know they can trust you to tell them the truth. You may worry that you won’t know what to say or have all the answers. It is okay to say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand that either.”
- Listen to your children when they are not talking. Know that your children are listening to you when you are talking. Children will not always talk about their feelings directly, but you can learn a lot by paying attention to their play, what they are saying while playing, what they are drawing or writing. Children see, hear, feel and absorb what goes on around them. You may think your children are not listening, but they hear you when you are in conversation with others, or on the phone. Children have built in radar.
- Acknowledge your children’s feelings. Let children know that any feelings they may be having are okay and normal. Help your child label their feelings (such as “sad”, “angry”, “frustrated” or “overwhelmed”).
- Assure your child. Be sure to clarify any misconceptions or misinformation. Remind your child that people care about them and will help keep them safe.
- Model for your children. Show children how you appropriately express your emotions and take care of yourself during the grief process. It is okay to let your child see how you feel, but do not use your child as your support system. Rely on other adults or professionals for your emotional support.
- Look for changes in your child’s behavior. Changes may be a sign that they are feeling upset or unsettled. Be aware of changes in eating, sleeping, playing or the ability to concentrate. If your child’s usual behavior continues to be disrupted, contact a professional for support.
- There is comfort in keeping to normal routines and schedules. Stick to normal routines as much as possible. Continue with regular schedules of sleeping, eating, school, extracurricular activities and play time with friends. These routines give your child a sense of security.
- Not all children will understand death the same way
Young children – do not understand that death is permanent. Young children may ask the same questions again and again. This repetition helps them process and understand what has happened. Keep explanations short and simple and reassure them that they are cared for and safe. Young children will absorb and mimic your stress and feelings.
School-Age Children – are better able to understand what has happened and that death is permanent. They may have unrealistic reactions to death, may blame themselves for what has happened or worry that others will die. Provide honest facts and information about the death. Help them express themselves through art or writing and help them label their feelings such as “sad”, “stress”, “overwhelmed”.
Adolescents – may have the same understanding of death as adults have though perhaps not the experience with death and grief. Give adolescents time and space to work out their feelings. Allow them their privacy, but don’t let them withdraw too much. Involve them in decisions and conversations about the death. Let them know you are available if they need to talk. Help them figure out what they can do that is meaningful to them. They may want to channel them into a community project or some act of charity so they feel like they are taking a positive action. It is be helpful to invite children of all ages to write or draw their positive feelings and memories about the person who has died. Open-ended questions such as, “What are some of your favorite memories with this person?” or “What is the thing you are most grateful to have shared with this person?” are ways in which children can express themselves and build memories about the person who died.
Lisa Buksbaum is the CEO & Founder of Soaringwords, a non-profit charity devoted to helping millions of ill children and their families to heal. She started the organization after three experiences with death and illness in her family. To date it has helped 250,000 children and families to “Never give up!” Visit soaringwords.org
Rachel Gorman is the Director of Hospital Outreach and Wellness Education at Soaringwords. She is a certified Child Life Specialist with over 20 years experience working with children and families at leading hospitals. Rachel has taught at Bank Street Graduate School of Education.
- Never say “I know just how you feel.” A well-intentioned comment like this is actually hurtful because it suggests that the parent’s feelings are somehow generic rather than totally unique based on their life experience, their child’s unique character and circumstances, and the relationship they shared. The old language may not work during a parent’s time of grief, instead of saying, “hi, how are you?” instead say something like, “I am thinking about you today.”
- Never try to “fix it” or justify it. You cannot change the reality that their child has died. The most common well-meaning phrases – “It’s God’s will” or “She’s with God now” can also be jarring when a parent has to mourn the death of their child. Listen to them. Let them express their feelings. Validate their feelings and grief so that they can experience it, process it, and begin to heal.
- Never pretend that the child did not exist. Not mentioning the child’s name can actually be hurtful for a grieving parent. It can be reassuring for parents to know that other people hold special memories or recollections about a child who has died. It can also be healing for a parent to talk about a child who has died and share something about the child’s essence or an experience from the child’s life, as it validates the child’s existence. You can acknowledge the child by name. Share your impressions when appropriate and positive.
- Never try to second-guess how the parent will experience holidays or life cycle events and celebrations and the fact that the child is not alive to share these experiences. Take your cues from the parent and let them set the tone. Holidays and special occasions bring up waves of feelings: happier times and perhaps trying times if the child was ill. Encouraging parents to express these feelings well in advance, during, or after the events can actually help them more fully participate, even while they are grieving.
- Never diminish the joy of a grieving parent. “There’s a time to mourn and a time to laugh…” When parents re-engage in life and pleasurable experiences, let them have these moments of joy. Whether going to a movie, taking an outing with other children or friends, reading a book, or engaging in a project that they really enjoy, try to acknowledge them in the context of their joy, without reminding them of their loss, or making them feel guilty.
- Never wait for the “perfect time” to express your support. Never wait to find the “exact words.” Keep it simple. Speak from your heart. Say something like, “I am so sorry for your loss” or let the person know you are thinking of them.
- Never try to “deny the death” with excessive talking, activities, and other distractions. Often the most comforting thing you can do is listen non-judgmentally.
- Never impose your beliefs, values or practices on the parents. The death of a child can provide an opening for simple rituals, prayer and even gratitude. People have to come to these things in their own time, in their own way. You can pray for them in your own way, just don’t add to their pain by suggesting that they are doing something wrong. Death can also turn people away from God and spirituality.
- Never be afraid to be a compassionate human being. Share a hug, perhaps you can let the parent see you cry at the loss, or share a simple thought or emotion you are having about the loss. These actions let the parent know that they are not alone. However, don’t put your grief on their shoulders, it’s not appropriate for them to carry your grief and theirs at this time.
- Never try to protect yourself from death. Of course it is easier to ignore the pain of grieving parents by crossing the street, averting your eyes when you see them, or not calling them, or not offering to help out with errands or taking a sibling for a few hours to give them time for themselves. However, you will appreciate all of life’s joys so much more if you open your heart and embrace parents who are mourning the death of a child. And, in doing something life-affirming and kind, you will be minimizing their pain andcontributing to the blessings surrounding death.
Lisa Buksbaum is the CEO & Founder of Soaringwords, a non-profit charity devoted to helping millions of ill children and their families to heal. She started the organization after three experiences with death and illness in her family. To date it has helped 250,000 children and families to “Never give up!” Watch Lisa on ABC News with Ann Pleshette Murphy talk about Coping With the Loss of a Child.
Dear Friends, Since our last newsletter, Hurricane Sandy hit the northeast. Soaringwords’ office didn’t have any damage but many of our local hospitals and community partners were affected. Many people slept in our homes because they were out of power and without heat. We all came together as a community to support each other. Local school children decorated SoaringQuilts for children who lost their homes because of the storm. Work doesn’t stop and my life continues to be a bit of a whirlwind — while simultaneously being a wife, a mother and a daughter, I am working full time and attending school for my Masters in Positive Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. I am excited to report that hospitals around the country have signed up to participate in an empirical research study for my final project. I look forward to gathering the scientific data that supports the value of ill and hospitalized children participating in positive interventions (fun, distracting and meaningful Soaringwords activities) which enhance well-being and patient outcomes. Sending you strength and Soaringwords, Lisa
Make A Difference Day
For the third year in a row, BNY Mellon employees in 7 cities teamed up with school children for Make A Difference Day. Together they decorated SoaringQuilts® and SoaringPillows® with inspirational messages and artwork to donate to hospitalized children. The students and volunteers also participated in an exhilarating Zumba® Fitness class to celebrate health and wellness. Here in New York, we had the honor of working with P.S. 1 in Chinatown. Our favorite part of the day was watching Ms. Lau, the physical education teacher, break the ice by dancing salsa in front of the entire group! MORE PHOTOS
Reaching Out with Zumba® Fitness
Thank you to the fantastic licensed Zumba® Fitness Instructors for launching classes at Joe DiMaggio Children’s Hospital in Hollywood, FL and Shriners Hospital for Children – Chicago. Everyone – nurses, patients and parents- got into the fun! 750 licensed Zumba® Fitness instructors have volunteered to collaborate with Soaringwords and share monthly classes with hospitalized children and their families and hospital employees around the world. MORE PHOTOS
Build a World of Loving Kindness
Sometimes the best gift that we can give to those who are ill, is simply the gift of our presence. At the annual UJA/Jewish Board of Children and Family Services conference on Visiting the Sick
, I spoke on The Power of Transformative Stories
and shared my personal journey of how Soaringwords was born. I also led a workshop Using Technology to Support People who are Ill
. Above photo (right) Murray Nossel, Ph.D., Co-Founder and Director of Narativ. Dept. of Narrative Medicine, Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center.
Ashley and Nathan enjoyed creating beautiful, feathered Dream Catchers during their hospital stay at Komansky Center for Children’s Health at NY-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center. Dream Catchers come from Native American culture. It is believed that a Dream Catcher changes a person’s dreams, allowing only good dreams to filter through the web while bad dreams stay in the net, disappearing with the light of day. Make your own Dream Catcher to keep or to give to a friend as a gift! INSTRUCTIONS
Supporting Special Needs Families
In case you missed our seminar on Caring for Yourself as a Caregiver of a Special Needs Child
at the 92nd Street Y, you can watch the recording here: http://www.92y.org/specialneeds
In order to care for our children, it’s crucial that we take time to nurture ourselves. It’s very common for caregivers to harbor feelings of guilt and a sense that there’s simply no time or energy left for themselves. When a family member, co-worker, or friend makes a well-intentioned but ultimately hurtful comment, people are left feeling raw. Dr. Catherine Lord, Director of the Center for Autism and the Developing Brain, joined me for a discussion which was shared with members of JCCs throughout North America, Autism Speaks, Starlight Children’s Foundation, Chai Lifeline, and schools that support children with special needs. The webinar was made possible through generous support from the CVS Caremark Foundation. (Photo left: Fretta Reitzes, Director, Goldman Center for Youth and Family, 92nd Street Y; Dr. Catherine Lord; Lisa Honig Buksbaum.)
SoaringStar – Jada
Ten-year-old Jada was an eager participant during one of our November hospital visits at The Children’s Hospital at Montefiore. In the hospital playroom, alongside other children and her grandmother, she made 8 SoaringSuperheroes, inspiring others with her drawings, enthusiasm and creativity.
|SoaringHealth & Wellness What We Get When We Give
-Not only does it feel great to help someone else, but it has a positive effect on our health and well-being. In Allan Luk’s book, The Healing Power of Doing Good
, he explains this relationship citing the positive impact that volunteering has on the body and mind. His research concludes that regular helpers are 10 times more likely to be in good health than people who do not engage in altruistic activities (allanluks.com/helpershigh)
. Helping others reduces stress and releases endorphins, the brain’s natural painkillers. When individuals give to others, research demonstrates that both the giver and the receiver experience feelings of meaning and purpose (Seligman, 2011). So, join us in doing at least one good deed a day.
– ori meaning “folding”, and kami meaning “paper”; is the traditional Japanese art of paper folding, which started in the 17th century AD and was popularized outside of Japan in the mid-1900s. It has since evolved into a modern art form. The goal of this art is to transform a flat sheet of paper into a finished sculpture through folding and sculpting techniques without the use of cut or glue. The best known origami model is probably the Japanese paper crane.
Ancient Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by a crane.
- Markers for decorating (optional)
- String or thread for hanging
Instructions: (click to enlarge image)
After You Make a SoaringOrigami
Use it to decorate the hospital room or IV pole or give it as a gift to a friend, family member, other person in the hospital (patient, doctor, nurse, child life specialist).